Alvin Richardson

With each passing Christmas I find it more and more difficult to figure out what to get my wife. I’m just not very good at coming up with ideas that seem right. Should I go with something extravagant or would it be better to just give her something practical? Should I give her something like an exotic vacation that we can enjoy together or just something for the house (like a pair of recliners) that is needed? Recliners just don’t seem very romantic and exotic vacations would have to be put on the back burner, at least for now with all the uncertainty of Covid-19 so, as usual I was in my normal quandary.

Adding to the problem was the fact that I normally go out and browse around the stores for ideas. I typically look at everything from TVs to toasters to teapots to tool sets to teardrop earrings and then cover every other letter in the alphabet before I’m done. In this year of the virus, I’ve been banned from entering any store because she does not want me to get sick. I hate browsing on the internet, and thus, I was forced to think outside the box. 

I finally came up with an idea.

The spark for that inspiration was right in front of my eyes on the back deck. To make a long story short, I noticed that she had forgotten to get her beloved plants indoors before the cold hit and the frost had killed every one of them graveyard dead. Now I had my answer. I would give her a shopping spree to get anything she wanted to replace all those dead plants and I would give her unlimited freedom to spend as much money as her heart desired to replace them (up to $500, of course).

This was a brilliant idea but there’s more. In addition to her gift I’d also write her a love poem that bemoaned the loss of her plants and assured her of my adoration and devotion. I bet none of you guys have ever even given a thought to writing your wife a love poem for Christmas. You can thank me later for the idea.

Next thing was that I had to write the perfect poem. My skills at poetry are legendary, and the task was completed in just under an hour. That’s a lot less time than I would have spent wandering around the mall looking for ideas.

Here is the result of my efforts:

The Plants Are All Dead

The plants at our house are usually fed;

They get watered and cared for;

But now they’re all dead.

The reason for this is easy to see;

They are hardy and strong but are not frost-free.

The wind and the cold have done this bad deed; 

There’s no treatment for this, no magical seed;

You could bring them inside and add some manure;

You could fertilize too but there’s simply no cure.

This state of affairs is really quite sad;

And I know that it surely made Laura quite mad;

But there’s nothing to do and no one to blame;

Just empty the pots and get on with the game.

There is one piece of news that can help save the day;

It’s Christmas time now and we give a hooray;

Just go to the nursery and buy some new flowers;

Visit every nice store and take many hours.

It’s exciting to see things go just right for a while;

It’s lovely to see that frown turn to a smile;

So worry no more about all that we’ve said;

It matters only little that the plants are all dead.

Merry Christmas, Love Alvin

Now what do you think about that? Did you like the touch of the picture at the end?  That’s a classic. It shows that you are feeling her pain at the loss of her plants but lends a hint of humor as well — both key ingredients in a love poem.

Because of the success of my poetic Christmas gift, I think I’ll hire out in the coming year. If any of you guys need help writing a woman-sensitive sonnet whether it be for birthday, anniversary or an easy way to get out of the dog house just shoot me a line. My prices are very reasonable, and you will reap the rewards immediately.

Send your love poems to dar8589@bellsouth.net.

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