Definition of Tomorrow: A mystical place where 99 percent of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
Tomorrow I’m releasing a new book that is devoted to health tips for those who have overcome the battle known as middle age and seek to forge ahead into the life phase commonly referred as geezer-hood. I know this book will be a success because it’s a lot better than all those stupid shows on TV that hand out fancy guidelines for longevity. Mine will be based on common sense and real-life experiences, which will be useful to the regular guys and gals in the upper, middle and upper, upper age brackets.
Here are some of the highlights of my future book.
First of all, you should begin to follow this book’s advice tomorrow as it is unwise to hastily jump into this all at once. It might not be healthy. Don’t want to upset your finely tuned and easily unbalanced gastric system.
The initial chapter will outline some rigid nutrition guidelines. For example at least five times a week at breakfast you should eat strained porridge. Wash the mush down with a pint of pure prune juice. This will ensure that your intestinal muscles will not be put in a strain right out of the gate and you won’t have to put undue pressure on your false teeth.
As for lunch, consider this your adventure time. Eat the stuff you like even though it could be hazardous to your digestive system. Food from south of the border; anything from the Varsity; or perhaps some item you really love but is known to give you the heartbreak of bloating, are best consumed mid-day. This will give your belly time to recuperate before bedtime.
Go light at supper. The immortal words of Lewis Grizzard, “Chili dogs only bark at night,” is a good guideline to help you remember to eat only soft, non-spicy food after the sun goes down. Breakage of this rule can be disastrous to your health, well-being and/or your partner’s ability to actually sleep in the same room with you.
There will also be some special chapters devoted to stuff like late night snacks and instructions on how to eat healthy while on hunting or fishing trips. The late night snacks instructions will be pretty basic and are founded on my personal experience as well as horror stories sent in by others in our age bracket.
As for those beloved late night snacks here are a few suggestions: 1) Stay away from anything that has green bell peppers in it. Eaten after 8 p.m., those little demons will haunt you worse than “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and your gut will begin to do flips about the time you try to go to sleep. 2) Never, under any circumstances, should you consume Rocky Mountain oysters, pickled beets, canned spinach, or pizza with anchovies prior to retiring. One of two things will happen to your stomach and neither one is a picnic in the park. In extreme cases, your sleeping partner will banish you to the couch (as noted earlier).
The book will also hand out a few tips on how to save money on doctor bills because no matter how careful you are health issues are going to arise in those of us who are getting on in years. The best one I’ve heard lately is to go to the airport once a year and you can get a free, full-body x-ray and exam. If you mention Al Qaeda you can also get a colonoscopy at no charge as well. Just something to keep in mind.
As for dealing with your doctor, one must understand that their advice to old geezers is predictable. They will say stuff like “I’ll write you a prescription to help you sleep if you need it,” or they might say, “If it tastes good spit it out,” or even more predictably, “If you are having trouble with regularity take a laxative at bedtime.”
My advice is to pick an old doctor who can relate to the problems in your particular phase of life and give you some suggestions that make sense. I will say however that if you run into a quack that tells you to take both a laxative and a sleeping pill before you go to bed you should not follow his advice. Believe me that’s a recipe for disaster.
I’ll follow this up with another article that covers healthy exercise routines for Baby Boomers and others who want to stay in shape without sweating as well as dieting tips for those of you who go on extended hunting and fishing trips. It’s tricky to get the hunting and fishing crowd sold on proper nutrition but we’ll give it a whack.
Don’t forget to buy my book and get started living healthy. Tomorrow.
Email other health tips for aging geezers to email@example.com.