The Union Recorder

Columns

December 28, 2013

RICHARDSON: My Christmas wish list for 2013

MILLEDGEVILLE —

My Christmas wish list for 2013

Written three days prior to Christmas Eve and sent priority mail.

Dear Santa:
I know this list is a little south of late but just thought I'd go ahead and try to sneak it in at the last moment. I have strived to stay in the vicinity of the straight and narrow path, which you so earnestly urge us to do. With that in mind I believe that my requests are deserving of your attention. If you think otherwise please reply soonest so that I can try to find a genie that will grant my Christmas wishes. I don't like doing business with those crafty little devils, but I did find a strange looking bottle the other day that might contain one.
First off I'd like this to be a banner year in terms of trophies. With that in mind let me ask initially for a 10-pound bass, a striper that is a minimum of 30 pounds, at least one crappie a month that tips the scales at more than 2 pounds and a deer that will score at least 150 on the Boone and Crockett scale. If possible could you throw in a couple of successful mallard duck hunting excursions and two saltwater fishing trips that result in something other than 30-knot winds and 6-foot seas. You don't have to tell me when these things are going to occur. I'd like that to be a surprise. Oh yeah, please include enough cash to get these upcoming trophies mounted in a fashion befitting a sportsman of my stature.
The second phase of my list is related to physical skills. First I need for you to restore my hand-eye coordination, which has deteriorated to the point of embarrassment. First and foremost it would be good to actually see clearly what I'm shooting at and then it would be important that I be able to get my gun pointed in that general vicinity before the game escapes into the wild blue yonder. With those things back intact I can go on these adventures without fear of being the laughingstock of my community. It is bad for business when the outdoor writer consistently comes home from hunting and fishing trips skunked.
Next let's discuss equipment and clothing. First of all, my shotgun keeps jamming, thus making it difficult to consistently bag my fair share of game animals. I cleaned it three years ago so it should be good to go, but such is not the case. With that in mind please send along the model you deem as the best on the market. I also need a new pair of waders because the ones I presently own must have a hole in them. The last time I went duck hunting they filled up with icy cold water and were so heavy that I had to be airlifted from the swamp in which I was stranded.
I'm trusting you on these things Santa. I have heard some real horror stories about guys who delegate their wishes to the aforementioned genies that are found in bottles rather than hanging their hopes with you. The old saying about being careful what you wish for comes to mind here. I heard about a fellow who fancied himself a ladies man and made a wish with his personal genie to get a chick with long legs for Christmas. He wound up with an ostrich. Those evil genies will do anything for a laugh.
I also heard about a woman who (while doing business with a genie) wished that she could meet a real live hero. She was in a restaurant one day and began choking on a piece of food. Two of the good old boys were sitting nearby drinking beer and one jumped up, ran over to her, raised up her skirt and gave her a lick on her behind. The woman was so astonished that she coughed up the food. The good old boy returned to his buddy and said, "I always wondered if that "hind lick" maneuver worked. I suppose heroes come in all shapes and sizes.
For those reasons I have tried to be clear and concise with my list and make sure you know that I have not consorted with genies of any kind. You are the man Santa.
There are a few minor things I forgot about. Since I'm as skinny as an Ethiopian stable boy maybe you could send me a year's supply of weight gaining vitamins or maybe just some dietary information on how to cram more fat into my daily meals. I'd also like to become more efficient in my tomato planting methods so that less time and money would actually result in more tomatoes. Lastly send along a few parcels of clothes for my wardrobe so my wife and friends will quit poking fun at my 20-year-old sweatshirts and jackets that I wear to Christmas parties.
That's about it for this year. Don't bother with trying to come down the chimney because it's already leaking and you'll just make it worse. Leave the bill for extra shipping next to your food plate. Thought you might want something different this year so I'm leaving you some caribou sausage rather than cookies and milk. Wanted to make it abundantly clear up front that it is certainly not reindeer sausage because I don't want to offend you. Those genies will mess up a good Christmas list.

1
Text Only
Columns
Poll
AP Video
Raw: Greeks Celebrate Easter With "Rocket War" Police Question Captain, Crew on Ferry Disaster Raw: Orthodox Christians Observe Easter Rite Ceremony Marks 19th Anniversary of OKC Bombing Raw: Four French Journalists Freed From Syria Raw: Massive 7.2 Earthquake Rocks Mexico Captain of Sunken SKorean Ferry Arrested Raw: Fire Destroys 3 N.J. Beachfront Homes Raw: Pope Presides Over Good Friday Mass Raw: Space X Launches to Space Station Superheroes Descend on Capitol Mall Man Charged in Kansas City Highway Shootings Obama Awards Navy Football Trophy Anti-semitic Leaflets Posted in Eastern Ukraine Raw: Magnitude-7.2 Earthquake Shakes Mexico City Ceremony at MIT Remembers One of Boston's Finest Raw: Students Hurt in Colo. School Bus Crash Raw: Church Tries for Record With Chalk Jesus Raw: Faithful Celebrate Good Friday Worldwide Deadly Avalanche Sweeps Slopes of Mount Everest
Facebook
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Stocks
NDN Video
Jabari Parker's Top 5 Plays From Duke Career Kourtney Kardashian Is a Bikini Babe More Manpower Than Ever Expected At 4/20 Rally Debunk'd: Miley Cyrus AIDS, Cheeseburgers Cause Cancer, Military Warning Bill Previewing the NBA playoffs Raw: Orthodox Christians Observe Easter Rite My name is Cocaine Raw: Space X Launches to Space Station Lohan Gets Candid About Her Sex List The 2014 New York Auto Show Meet Johnny Manziel's New Girlfriend Chelsea Clinton Announces Pregnancy Funny: Celebrating Easter with Martha Stewart and Friends Man Accuses 'X-Men' Director Bryan Singer of Sexually Abusing Him As a Teenager Man hit with $525 federal fine after he doesn't pay for soda refill Lea Michele & Naya Rivera Feuding? Jabari Parker declares for the NBA draft Singing Nun Belts Out Cyndi Lauper New West, Texas Explosion Video Swim Daily, Throwback Thursday